My #WomenEd story (part 2)

Months ago I rashly offered to facilitate a session at the third #WomenEd unconference about Teaching with Autism. I offered to share some of the barriers others inadvertently create to restrict me & my Autism. This was part of me developing my confidence at sharing my own SEND to enable other staff and students to embrace their own challenges because I want to do my bit to change perspectives.

The day did not start well! I had made the decision to get the train as it would be more comfortable for my broken leg than driving to Sheffield. I parked at the station, checked train was on time, bought my ticket, walked to the platform to discover in those few minutes the train had been cancelled. I enquired about the next train; it would get me to Sheffield just before 10 so I decided to drive. Back to the car & a £6 parking charge for the 10 minutes I'd been at the station did not impress me! I set off again for Sheffield. As I was driving along the A500 & A50 I realised that I was shouting at other drivers and driving aggressively. I had turned into one of my EBD students ;) I turned off the radio to think and realised that the unexpected change in plans had made me anxious (Driving to Sheffield wasn't a worse plan than the train, it wasn't my plan) which had manifest itself as anger. That moment of clarity was an eye opener & made me realise that when a student says "I don't know why I did it, it just happened" they really don't!

Speaking to an audience hasn't worried me for a long time yet yesterday I was very nervous. This was different, this wasn't talking about education or research or school, I was sharing the Me I've spent my whole life trying (& failing) to hide. I didn't know if anyone would turn up, would it be better if they didn't, why would anyone want to listen to my ramblings etc.

I am Autistic and have aphantasia & prosopagnosia. I am me not in spite of or because of these things, they're part of my uniqueness.

I have reflected about the overwhelming response I had yesterday whilst processing to understand it. Having exhaustingly invested mental energy for all of my life in trying to appear neurotypical (which I don't think I've ever succeeded at!) I struggled, and still am, to process the complete acceptance.

Over the years I have received, both asked & unasked for, feedback about how colleagues perceive me. On one side there are those who find me passionate, enthusiastic & quirky or eccentric, on the other are those who find me rude, abrasive, superior, arrogant and patronising. I think of myself as being the former, if others perceive me differently then I need to try harder to explain my special needs. I'd perhaps spent so long trying to fit in that I'd forgotten the word NEEDS, that this isn't a choice.

I can be so overwhelmed by the noise of school life that I choose to isolate myself. The projector and lights can be so loud that I miss things said in the classroom as I'm concentrating so hard in tuning our the distractions. Colleagues find it strange that I choose to work in my classroom in the dark rather than share work space. I am going to make more of an effort to find a compromise and timetable slots where I will go and work with others.

That solution leads me to another problem. Small talk. Hell! What do people talk about? Staff rooms are my personal hell. I'm ok at a real conversation and so I try to create a list of real things I can ask different people about, e.g. has X improved now that he's on homework report? This would be a lot easier if I could recognise my colleagues well enough to start those conversations. Lol!

The incredibly beautiful souls that came were perfect. I have never felt so accepted for my oddities before. They said I was brave for being honest, I disagree with that label.

I've been trying to think of a concise set of advice for leaders of staff with Autism, this is my work in progress:

1. Be open & honest. Say exactly what you mean, someone with Autism cannot easily navigate the minefield of hidden meanings. That goes for interview panels too. 

2. Provide work spaces that aren't over stimulating. Listen to the coping strategies your staff have already identified. Help them find compromises for shared working practices.

3. Start meetings on time. Those few minutes might not seem much but if you're going through the hell of making small talk they're an eternity! 

4. If you have staff with prosopagnosia share staff lists with photos. I have been printed out at home and use them like flashcards in an evening to try and get it right.

5. Attempting to appear neurotypical is exhausting. Be understanding & flexible, our brains need longer to recharge. 

6. A common trait in autistic women is oversharing & answering direct questions. Utilise this as a strength & if you can't then be explicit about subjects that are over the line. For example I would never discuss my sex life with students (that'd be weird & even I can see that it's over the line!) and am comfortable discussing my SEN, IVF and being in an abusive relationship. To me these aren't over the line as I'm comfortable talking about them. 

7. If your staff constantly have to ask where rooms are please don't get frustrated. I do try to learn my way around! 

8. If an Auristic member of staff is trying to burn their bridges please please please don't let them! (I'll write a separate post about this)

9. Don't ask things in the corridor etc without following it up with an email; if it's not written down it won't happen. Not a deliberate thing, not poor memory, we'rewired differently. 

10. Being a teacher with SEN can be incredibly isolating & lonely. Make time to check on people quietly.

Thank you #WomenEd 

Any thoughts/ comments/ questions/ clarifications tweet or DM me @NuttySalt or email me saltcatherine@gmail.com

My #WomenEd story (part 1)

Yesterday I found myself being more than 10% braver and sharing with some beautiful people at #womened about being a teacher with SEND. I've been reflecting today about how I got to that point. I think #SLTCamp started me on this path three years ago (it must be longer ago than that?). I will always be grateful for the lessons I learnt that weekend.

Two years ago before and after the first #womened unconference I wrote these on Staffrm & made a promise to myself to be more open & honest about the challenges of life with special needs. I firmly believe that tolerance in our schools begins with tolerance of ourselves. I believe I owe my students my honesty as they accept me and my differences without question. Various line managers have in the past said that I'm trying to change the world as critiscim; I am trying to, unashademedly. Changing the world is why I'm in education, aren't you?

Before #WomenEd Unconference

Who am I?

I'm sat on a train to London very early on Saturday morning on my way to the first @womened unconference reflecting on what I want to get out of today and how I got this far.

I started out as a teacher determined that I never wanted to leave the classroom; part of me still feels that way, why would anyone want to spend less time doing the best bit of the job? But, as most of us, I accepted a little responsibility which grew until I applied for more. With schools the single role that changed me the most was training teachers, it excited and challenged me. I loved the feeling when a trainee achieved their target after all the hard work and determination to succeed. My teaching improved as they brought fresh ideas, a new perspective is something I always value.

Alongside this I was going through my own kind of hell which did eventually impact on work; two and a half rounds of unsuccessful ivf. I questioned everything about my own existence, my purpose in life and ultimately "who am I?" I came out the other side a more driven leader, very career focused and not ashamed to be ambitious. The green eyed monster gets out occasionally when I need to set work for a student on maternity leave from school or when someone close shares their joy at expecting a baby but I have done my grieving for the life I might have had and am genuinely happy with who I am today.

My challenge is that being career focused and unapologetically ambitious evokes a different response than if I were male. I struggle to make small talk and my efforts are often painful for all concerned which makes it easier for all if I stick to work conversations in work. This means some people find me stand-offish or cold (which I'm far from) and I know I need to work harder at this. Male colleagues generally appreciate my straight talking, honest approach and usually aren't threatened by my goals. Female colleagues, however, often respond with barbed comments and work hard to put me down. 

Attending events like @womened is regarded as me 'sucking up'. As Emma Barnett says in her TED talk the "dominance penalty" promotes men for acting dominantly but penalises women for acting the same forcing women to choose between ambition and being liked by colleagues. I've come to accept that as an ambitious woman my friends are out of work, which does make the work life balance easier, but I shouldn't have to develop an even thicker skin as a defence to spiteful jealous comments from female colleagues. After all we're all in education for the same purpose - to make a difference for our students. 

After #WomenEd Unconference

 

Make them giants

Aside from the personal tortures of small talk (think I managed ok?) and a visualisation walk (it's at times like this I really wish I had a minds eye but at least I can name the problem now - aphantasia) yesterday was truly amazing. I've come away feeling reenergised and motivated.

I was staggered to realise just how many women I respect suffer from imposter syndrome. It reminded me of an early PGCE lecture, a lifetime ago, where a head told us that if our parents weren't professionals we had no right to be there as we had no understanding of what it meant to be a professional. That made me determined to show him just how wrong he was (no idea who he was though!) whilst others gave up and left the course. Discussing this sometime later I discovered that he'd also said that if our parents were professionals we had no right being there. What interests me now is that the message that was applicable to each of us stuck with us and either added to our reason to give up or motivated us to be better. The male students had, in the main, laughed and joked about it and forgotten it. While us women had held it close for all that time. I still expect someone to tell me I shouldn't be there because...... But I don't need to anymore. I've earned my place, we all have, and we should celebrate that.

If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants.

Isaac Newton

We should be the Giants for the next generation of women teachers, for all teachers, coming into the profession. Teaching and modelling that There is no 'right' image of a a leader in education. (She doesn't even have to wear a skirt @MsHMFL !)

My personal list of mantras is expanding for different moments;

     1. Eat the frog.

     2. Be 10% braver. Take the leap.

     3. I am strong. I am invincible. I am teacher. (Yes I've tweaked this one)

     4. Keep your head, heels & standards high.

     5. If in doubt make a fool of yourself.

     6. Sometimes do it quick & dirty.

I am going to continue working with a growth mindset to be better today than I was yesterday. Thank you to everyone at #WomenEd you are awesome!

The other huge event of yesterday was the rugby and as leaders we could learn a lot from them. They lost in the dying moments of the game against Wales yet they didn't give up; they prepared and went out in front of their critics and gave it everything knowing that everything still might be enough. We should do more of that and less falling at the first hurdle; instead of making them giants we need to make ourselves giants #makethemgiants 

COMMENTS [from original StaffRm post]

Hannah Wilson@misswilsey1 year ago

I think your 1-6 should become #WomenEd motivational posters!

Anita Devi@butterflycolour1 year ago

Great set of personal mantras

Julie Hunter@mshmfl1 year ago

Wellies and skirt today for PE drop in while kids did cross country

David Rogers@davidrogers1 year ago
I am doing my best not to gloat about the England performance (being a Welshman)... And I share your pain of small talk - I struggle. Thank you for sharing these ideas and mantras - be who you are and don't apologise for it!

Prosopagnosia

What is prosopagnosia?

Prosopagnosia is often called face blindness and I describe as a dyslexia of faces to my students. It refers to a severe deficit in recognizing familiar people from their face. I'm seriously useless at other aspects of face processing, such as judging age or gender and recognising certain emotional expressions. 

I was once asked by a colleague to guess his age and after lots of insistence from him I did :( This was the thought process in my head:

     How old?
     Looks about 70
     Can't be that old - he'd have retired. So can't be 60
     Could be 55?
     He'd have taken early retirement, he hates school.
     Oh yes! So can't be 54 or 53 even as he'd have talked about impending retirement.
     Ok. So 50 then?
     Out loud:
     Me: 50?
     Him: 50? (Outrage!) I'll be 40 next month!!

I didn't dare say that I'd knocked 20 years off my initial thought...

How does prosopagnosia affect my life?

As a secondary school science teacher I meet lots of people everyday and most of them are a mystery to me! If you imagine a typical class (if you're not aphantasic you'll probably visualise them!) and describe them. The majority are white (in my current school), a similar height with brown hair and wearing school uniform. Without distinguishing between faces how do you identify them? If a student is particularly tall, or short, then that's a name I can learn with confidence. Other distinguishing characteristics help and after that I'm stuck! Most of my students are really understanding and don't take it personally when I get names wrong multiple times in a single lesson. The start of a new school year is always hard for me as all the names & faces I've learnt the previous year are gone and I have to start from the beginning again.

Staff names and faces is a different matter & generally colleagues are less accepting of my continual mistakes. That means I avoid starting conversations, other than saying hello, in corridors or staff room etc. and instead try to see people in own classrooms because I can learn which room belongs to who.

Prospognosia has meant that I've inadvertently upset people. When I was a child in junior school my Mum had her waist length hair cut during the school day. I walked out of school to see my younger brother being led by the hand by a complete stranger and screamed that she was kidnapping him. She wasn't, I didn't recognise my Mum with chin length hair. She was, understandably, upset that her daughter was screaming at her!

Dating can prove challenging... I went on a date with a bloke about 5'10" with brown hair and a blue shirt with a fine white stripe (you can probably guess where this is going). We had a few drinks and a lovely dinner. Everything was going really well until we went to another bar which was busy so we stood at the bat chatting with our drinks, I left to go to the toilet and returned to where we'd been stood and resumed the conversation. Except, he'd found a table and sat down and I was talking to a complete stranger. Oops! Date guy wasn't happy that, in his opinion, I was chatting someone else up whilst on a date with him. I did a double take between the two guys in similar shirts, same height and similar hair. How was I supposed to tell them apart? I tried to remind him of my 'face dyslexia' and he continued shouting at me. The other guy and his friends were lovely and interested in the reason for my confusion. They insisted that I join them and saw me to my train after we laughed a lot at my mistake. It is frustrating when people believe I'm being deliberately difficult and are disbelieving that prosopagnosia exists.

My sense of direction is impaired because of my aphantasia or prosopagnosia. I learn a route from a to b and c to d etc and am fine until I need to drive from b to d, for example, and cannot visualise where roads connect. It means I often drive more interesting routes than intended. Map apps on my phone are incredible as I can choose to use them and drive more direct and efficient routes. I always thought I was a bit stupid got not being able to grasp simple local geography and knowing it's not my fault is liberating.

• Why am I writing this bloglet?

I discuss my autism, aphantasia and prosopagnosia with my students and they always have questions. They appreciate my openness and honesty whilst the SEND students like that they have a teacher who's SEN. I realised that maybe other people have questions about these conditions too and I can play a small part in answering them. I really appreciate the response that I've had so far, thank you. I'm on Twitter as @NuttySalt if you'd like to ask anything.

Aphantasia

What is aphantasia?

Aphantasia is a newly defined condition to describe people who are born without a “mind’s eye”.

Cognitive neurologist Professor Adam Zeman, at the University of Exeter Medical School, published a paper which led to the labelling of aphantasia.

How do I know if I'm aphantasic?

Researchers into visual imagery use the following questions which are answered on a scale shown;

1 No image at all

2 Vague and dim

3 Moderately clear

4 Reasonably clear

5 As vivid as real life

People with aphantasia typically will answer 'No image at all' to all questions.

1. Conjure up an image of a friend or relative who you frequently see; how clearly can you see the contours of their face, head, shoulders and body?

2. Still imagining that friend or relative, how strongly can you see the characteristic poses of their head and body? 

3. How well can you envision the way that friend or relative walks, the length of their step, for example?

4. Rate how vivid the colours of that person's clothes look in your mind?

5. Visualise a rising sun and look carefully at the details of that mental picture; how clearly do you see that sun rising above the horizon in a hazy sky?

6. Imagine the sky clearing and surrounding the sun with blueness, how vivid is that image?

7. Clouds appear in your sky and a lightning storm erupts - how well can you see it?

8. A rainbow appears in your sky, how clearly can you make it out?

What is total aphantasia?

Some people (like me) are unable to create any images, sounds, tastes, smells or touch within their mind. This is known as Total Aphantasia.

What is it like to have aphantasia?

This is the question I'm asked most often. My answer - normal! I don't know any different, this is how my brain works. What do my thoughts look like? Nothing! Blackness. Emptiness. Nothing. 

I'm fascinated that you can probably read this 'aloud' in your head in different voices. I can't hear voices in my head 😂 I read a lot of books and can only hear voices if I actually read aloud. I know what I'm reading and think about the words without hearing them. I get ear worms just like you except completely differently. I don't hear my earworm it's as if my thoughts are trapped in a loop and I repetitively think those words again and again.

When I discovered that some people (at the opposite end of the scale from total aphantasia) can imagine a strawberry and in their mind they can see it, feel the texture, taste it and smell it. Wow! I can do none of those. How do you get anything done?

I've had a few experiences where I thought that I was about to die and not once have I had my life flashing before my eyes. I now realise that people mean this literally  I did have a rush of thoughts, mainly telling my loved ones how important they are, and maybe that's a good thing as it makes it easier to deal with?

When I start a conversation about aphantasia I'm usually met with disbelief. Those that are aphantasic don't believe people can do all of those things and vice versa. The brain is an incredible organ that we still know relatively little about.