Mental arithmetic

Mental arithmetic is making calculations in your mind without the guidance of pencil and paper, calculators etc.

I always knew that I couldn't picture things in my head, until aphantasia was labelled on 2015 I had no idea what else I was missing out.

I've had lots of conversations with family, friends, students and complete strangers about how an aphantasic brain is different from a 'normal' one. I love maths (I'm a science teacher) and dread it at the same time.

How do you do mental arithmetic?

Think about your thought process.

When you have to do mental arithmetic what do you actually do in your head? Do you write it out on a mental piece of paper or a little blackboard and then complete the sum visually?

I'm aphantasic, I can't do that.

Given a simple sum to do in my head causes me to panic. I cannot keep track of the numbers I started with and where I've reached in my solution and end up in a jumbled mess. It's like trying to remember two different mobile phone numbers simultaneously whilst dialling a third. For a long time I thought I was stupid, that I wasn't trying hard enough. I thought there must be something wrong with me. There isn't, I have aphantasia.

If mental arithmetic is making calculations in your mind without the guidance of pencil and paper, calculators etc. and you can write the sum on imaginary paper in your mind, aren't you cheating?

Now in physics lessons I do an approximate calculation in my head and I either quickly scribble the sum down on a piece of paper or use a calculator to get the real answer. I prep my lessons with pages of working out and solutions to questions I'll be using. These are my coping strategies to avoid that mental panic.

I talk to my students about mental arithmetic being a real challenge for me and how I hate being put on the spot to give an answer. I used to work for a head teacher who taught maths, if a member of staff walked into his room whilst he was teaching they'd be given a mental arithmetic question to answer. Hell on Earth! I once emailed him from outside the door to ask him for a moment so that I could hand him my notes on a meeting that he'd asked me to take to him, anything to avoid walking through that door. Afterwards he questioned my professionalism.

Recently I invigilated a mock non-calculator maths paper. Wow! If I was taking that paper it would be covered in little sums and I'd probably run out of blank space. Does this mean I can't do maths? No. It means I need a little more thinking time and pen & paper.

I've talked to students about this with the aim of making them more comfortable and less embarrassed about their own challenges. I dropped A Level maths after a year because I constantly felt that I wasn't good enough because of my inability to do mental arithmetic. I don't want any of my students to feel limited because of their special educational needs. One day I'll make time to take my A Level maths.

Prosopagnosia

What is prosopagnosia?

Prosopagnosia is often called face blindness and I describe as a dyslexia of faces to my students. It refers to a severe deficit in recognizing familiar people from their face. I'm seriously useless at other aspects of face processing, such as judging age or gender and recognising certain emotional expressions. 

I was once asked by a colleague to guess his age and after lots of insistence from him I did :( This was the thought process in my head:

     How old?
     Looks about 70
     Can't be that old - he'd have retired. So can't be 60
     Could be 55?
     He'd have taken early retirement, he hates school.
     Oh yes! So can't be 54 or 53 even as he'd have talked about impending retirement.
     Ok. So 50 then?
     Out loud:
     Me: 50?
     Him: 50? (Outrage!) I'll be 40 next month!!

I didn't dare say that I'd knocked 20 years off my initial thought...

How does prosopagnosia affect my life?

As a secondary school science teacher I meet lots of people everyday and most of them are a mystery to me! If you imagine a typical class (if you're not aphantasic you'll probably visualise them!) and describe them. The majority are white (in my current school), a similar height with brown hair and wearing school uniform. Without distinguishing between faces how do you identify them? If a student is particularly tall, or short, then that's a name I can learn with confidence. Other distinguishing characteristics help and after that I'm stuck! Most of my students are really understanding and don't take it personally when I get names wrong multiple times in a single lesson. The start of a new school year is always hard for me as all the names & faces I've learnt the previous year are gone and I have to start from the beginning again.

Staff names and faces is a different matter & generally colleagues are less accepting of my continual mistakes. That means I avoid starting conversations, other than saying hello, in corridors or staff room etc. and instead try to see people in own classrooms because I can learn which room belongs to who.

Prospognosia has meant that I've inadvertently upset people. When I was a child in junior school my Mum had her waist length hair cut during the school day. I walked out of school to see my younger brother being led by the hand by a complete stranger and screamed that she was kidnapping him. She wasn't, I didn't recognise my Mum with chin length hair. She was, understandably, upset that her daughter was screaming at her!

Dating can prove challenging... I went on a date with a bloke about 5'10" with brown hair and a blue shirt with a fine white stripe (you can probably guess where this is going). We had a few drinks and a lovely dinner. Everything was going really well until we went to another bar which was busy so we stood at the bat chatting with our drinks, I left to go to the toilet and returned to where we'd been stood and resumed the conversation. Except, he'd found a table and sat down and I was talking to a complete stranger. Oops! Date guy wasn't happy that, in his opinion, I was chatting someone else up whilst on a date with him. I did a double take between the two guys in similar shirts, same height and similar hair. How was I supposed to tell them apart? I tried to remind him of my 'face dyslexia' and he continued shouting at me. The other guy and his friends were lovely and interested in the reason for my confusion. They insisted that I join them and saw me to my train after we laughed a lot at my mistake. It is frustrating when people believe I'm being deliberately difficult and are disbelieving that prosopagnosia exists.

My sense of direction is impaired because of my aphantasia or prosopagnosia. I learn a route from a to b and c to d etc and am fine until I need to drive from b to d, for example, and cannot visualise where roads connect. It means I often drive more interesting routes than intended. Map apps on my phone are incredible as I can choose to use them and drive more direct and efficient routes. I always thought I was a bit stupid got not being able to grasp simple local geography and knowing it's not my fault is liberating.

• Why am I writing this bloglet?

I discuss my autism, aphantasia and prosopagnosia with my students and they always have questions. They appreciate my openness and honesty whilst the SEND students like that they have a teacher who's SEN. I realised that maybe other people have questions about these conditions too and I can play a small part in answering them. I really appreciate the response that I've had so far, thank you. I'm on Twitter as @NuttySalt if you'd like to ask anything.

Aphantasia

What is aphantasia?

Aphantasia is a newly defined condition to describe people who are born without a “mind’s eye”.

Cognitive neurologist Professor Adam Zeman, at the University of Exeter Medical School, published a paper which led to the labelling of aphantasia.

How do I know if I'm aphantasic?

Researchers into visual imagery use the following questions which are answered on a scale shown;

1 No image at all

2 Vague and dim

3 Moderately clear

4 Reasonably clear

5 As vivid as real life

People with aphantasia typically will answer 'No image at all' to all questions.

1. Conjure up an image of a friend or relative who you frequently see; how clearly can you see the contours of their face, head, shoulders and body?

2. Still imagining that friend or relative, how strongly can you see the characteristic poses of their head and body? 

3. How well can you envision the way that friend or relative walks, the length of their step, for example?

4. Rate how vivid the colours of that person's clothes look in your mind?

5. Visualise a rising sun and look carefully at the details of that mental picture; how clearly do you see that sun rising above the horizon in a hazy sky?

6. Imagine the sky clearing and surrounding the sun with blueness, how vivid is that image?

7. Clouds appear in your sky and a lightning storm erupts - how well can you see it?

8. A rainbow appears in your sky, how clearly can you make it out?

What is total aphantasia?

Some people (like me) are unable to create any images, sounds, tastes, smells or touch within their mind. This is known as Total Aphantasia.

What is it like to have aphantasia?

This is the question I'm asked most often. My answer - normal! I don't know any different, this is how my brain works. What do my thoughts look like? Nothing! Blackness. Emptiness. Nothing. 

I'm fascinated that you can probably read this 'aloud' in your head in different voices. I can't hear voices in my head 😂 I read a lot of books and can only hear voices if I actually read aloud. I know what I'm reading and think about the words without hearing them. I get ear worms just like you except completely differently. I don't hear my earworm it's as if my thoughts are trapped in a loop and I repetitively think those words again and again.

When I discovered that some people (at the opposite end of the scale from total aphantasia) can imagine a strawberry and in their mind they can see it, feel the texture, taste it and smell it. Wow! I can do none of those. How do you get anything done?

I've had a few experiences where I thought that I was about to die and not once have I had my life flashing before my eyes. I now realise that people mean this literally  I did have a rush of thoughts, mainly telling my loved ones how important they are, and maybe that's a good thing as it makes it easier to deal with?

When I start a conversation about aphantasia I'm usually met with disbelief. Those that are aphantasic don't believe people can do all of those things and vice versa. The brain is an incredible organ that we still know relatively little about. 

What is autism to me?

What is autism?

The NAS describe Autism as a lifelong, developmental disability that affects how a person communicates with and relates to other people, and how they experience the world around them.

I have autism, aphantasia and prosopagnosia. To me autism is part of who I am. I am not me in spite of or because of my autism, it's part of my uniqueness.

What does my autism look like?

I'm intelligent with an excellent long-term memory (unless it's autobiographical as I am useless at remembering details about myself) with a weaker short-term memory and a spiky strengths and weaknesses profile. I hyperfocus on my interests for bursts where I don't eat or drink and completely lose track of time.

Knowledge and learning fascinate me and I teach myself to feed this passion. I have both short and long term obsessions; needlework was everything for about a month! Special needs education is my lifelong obsession, is it a strength that I'm obsessed with my job? I hate lunch times, work socials and the minutes before/after a meeting; what am I supposed to talk about? I moved jobs quite a bit at the start of my career when I felt overwhelmed by finding that balance. Now I'm more open about my challenges and accept myself which hugely reduced my anxiety levels. I self soothe by fiddling with a hair bobble round my wrist.

Like many autistic women I repeated a year at Uni. This was partly because of made the wrong choice and mainly because I felt overwhelmed. Attempting to fit in is mentally exhausting.

As a strong, capable independent woman I do not know how to ask for help. When I do ask it's often the wrong person at the wrong time. I'm working on this! I hate making mistakes and am my own biggest critic.

I'm a natural leader, independent, strong-willed, determined and can be highly competitive (especially with myself). I'm dispassionately rational and calm in crisis situations. I process the information to make rapid, considered decisions. It is only afterwards in my solitude that I feel the emotions and worry about the what ifs. That reflection time is important so that I can learn from it for the future. I'm resilient bouncing back again and again.

I prefer socialising with a few people I can have real conversations with than a large group that requires the dreaded small talk. Social chit chat, gossip and flirting are all complete mysteries to me. In groups I feel like I don't fit in and therefore am left out. I sometimes accept invitations because I really do want to attend then find myself making an excuse so that I can stay at home by myself with a book. Retreating to bed with a book or my thoughts balances the over stimulation of the world.

People take advantage of my trusting nature. I take things at face value and miss the underlying plotting and subterfuge. I speak my mind, whilst trying to rein myself in to so that I don't unintentionally offend, with no hidden agenda. That can mean I'm judged by others standards so people interpret my words/actions to find what they think is my real intention. Until I've got to know someone I miss when they're telling a joke because I've accepted the words at face value, with strangers I sometimes click a few minutes later when I've processed it.

Weird and eccentric are no longer insults but compliments. They tell me that I'm being myself rather than attempting to mimic others to fit in. My biggest failures are when I attempt to conform, it's exhausting and soul destroying. I spent a long time not entirely sure exactly who I was until I embraced all of me. Research suggests that autism may be undiagnosed in women because we're more successful mimics which could explain the high proportion of mental health conditions. I dress differently not to be different. I usually dress for comfort which isn't necessarily physical comfort e.g. comfy shoes it may be the texture of my clothing or a pattern/colour that comforts me. This may mean I look over dressed or oddly dressed for the situation.

Oops! I have a tendency to share too much detail and bore others (I'm happy to be told when I'm doing that!). I'm emotionally too honest with an inability to hide my true feelings when it would be more socially acceptable to do so. Sometimes I think I'm being compassionate but my actions don't  come across that way. 

I feel things deeply and am receptive to others emotions in person and in books/films/music/art. I can't watch horror films because I'm overpowered by the emotions. I have a strong sense of justice and work hard to be fair.

The sound of powerlines and fluorescent lights are overwhelming. I have to consciously ignore them so that I can hear what's going on around me. I have an odd relationship with pain with things that should hurt not and vice versa. I often find myself with bruises that I can't explain as I wasn't aware of 'hurting' myself.

I'm introspective and self aware. As a teacher I'm an intuitive practitioner and highly self evaluative. I am my own harshest critic. I constantly aim to be better than yesterday. I hate failing.

Through this blog I aim to share what special needs means to me personally and professionally as a special needs teacher of SEND.